So I will never really know if this will ever be found by anyone, so this blog is mostly a place for my thoughts. It's 11pm and I really should be sleeping, but I am to anxious to sleep. I recently realized and admitted that every night I worry about dying, I relive some portion of the night I almost really died, the after math, other trials that came due to the Lupus, what will happen to my children if I die and the list goes on, and on, and on. It can get so exhausting to play over these events each night. It can sometimes take me hours to get my mind to stop replaying events.
I started seeing a counselor a few months ago, and it was just for anxiety etc. Not specifically anything. But the more I went, the more I realized these things about me, and how that probably wasn't normal to be doing each night. My wonderful counselor after hearing me describe what happens at night suggested that I have PTSD. It had crossed my mind a while back but I brushed it off, thinking, that yeah, I am sure I was affected by the events but not PTSD. He asked me if I knew why it happens at night and not during the day. I said probably because I don't have time to think about it while chasing my kids all day. He then asked me when I was dying, and knew I was dying, what time was it. It was in the night, I was alone and dying. It then clicked for me, and it made sense why each night, as it gets dark my heart begins to beat faster, I feel my chest tighten, and I feel like I am having a hard time breathing. Then all the flashbacks begin. I realized it did fit PTSD. I still have mixed feelings about that diagnosis. Sometimes I think, "yeah I probably do". But then I have times where I think no, I am tough, I have had so many blessings given to me that I CAN'T be traumatized that badly. To be that affected feels as though I am not taking those blessings given to me with enough respect and somehow not being grateful for them. So I don't know what I have, PTSD or what, but I do know that it is very hard to not play back something from that period of my life. There is so much that happened, and things that didn't happen that I wished would have. And even though I know that replaying them out in my mind does me really no good at this present time, I seem to be unable to help it when it decides to come. Some nights are much better than others, and it's those nights that I think that I don't have the PTSD.
It's hard having a life long disease. I think that I started this blog wanting it to be positive, and give a good out look on life with Lupus, but there are hard times. I do smile a lot, and I am blessed beyond words with wonderful children and family, but its hard still. I have many, many times that I feel very alone in this battle. My family loves and supports me, but no one will ever know what it is like to live with Lupus like I have. My experience it unique to me as is every ones experience with Lupus is. Lupus is tailored to the individual, and while we may share similar problems and struggles, its still very unique.
So I will end, and try again to go to sleep, trying not to think about all the what ifs and what has happened and could it happen again. I will try to sleep, and wake up and start another day that is full of great blessings and continue to move forward.
Good Night
No comments:
Post a Comment