As I had mentioned, I was 21yrs old when I was diagnosed. I started having random pains in my joints. One day it was my knee, the next my elbow and it just seemed to jump around from joint to joint, until it didn't...it started to stay in the joint and just add another one the next day. Soon I was in so much pain it hurt to lay down, it hurt to stand up, it pretty much hurt to breath, at least that is how it felt. I was out of state in college and I felt a little lost as to what to do. I had a dear friend and roommate drive me back to my home state, and my father met me there. They really hadn't realized how bad the situation was until he saw me that day at the doctors. He pretty much had to carry me to the doctors, and that even hurt me. I was given a very large dose of steroids which helped within hours to make the pain go away. They ran tests and I was able to return to school just two days later. I waited for the diagnosis. I prayed and prayed that whatever it was that God would take it away. I felt I was living right and doing what he would want me to be so I felt that he should be able to remove this trial from me. Well a month passed and I went into the doctor for the diagnosis. He was probably the most unfriendly person I have met. He walked in, spatted out, "Well, it's Lupus". Said some other things, but at that point it was almost an out of body moment, or shock. I remember looking at my mom and she was sobbing, and it just hadn't sunk in what this was all meaning. I drove home in silence with my mom. Both of us really not knowing what to say.
At this point I thought my life was over, I would be dying and everything that I hoped for the future was no longer a possibility. I cried most of the day in my parents home. I wanted to be left alone, and not think. I remember that my father came in and told me that we were going out to dinner. I remember thinking, "Are you crazy, I have been diagnosed with Lupus, and you want to go out to dinner tonight?". I insisted that I was staying and they could go. But my Father, being who he is and wiser than I would ever let him know. :-) dragged me to a Sizzler. I could barely see out of my eyes because they were so puffy from crying all day. I am sure I got some looks from people, but I really couldn't have cared less what others were thinking at that moment. It may seem like a silly and simple thing, going out to dinner and maybe totally not the right time, but it was. It taught me something...life was still continuing on, my life was continuing on. It helped me have the strength to return to school and complete my degree. It was a simple thing my parents did, but very critical in my perspective on fighting this Lupus.
That day I thought my life was over, but learned quickly that yes my life could be over, but I still had a lot of control as to when that would be. And I didn't want my life to be over yet, and still don't so I fight, always fighting. Looking back over these ten years it has been the simple and what seemed to be insignificant efforts of others, and me that really shaped how I have learned to live with Lupus. Having my best friend come over with a hot brownie and ice cream from out favorite restaurant and talking about everything but the Lupus, making me feel I was normal, that life could still be filled with happy moments.
Lupus is a tough diagnosis to take, it is unpredictable and that is scary. But it is possible to live with Lupus and have a fulfilling life. It's possible to live with Lupus and still Smile!
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